27 April 2017

Were you born to resist or to be abused?

"Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head without your noose.
You gave me something that I didn't have but had no use.
I was to weak to give in, too strong to lose.
My heart is under arrest again but I break loose.
My head is giving me life or death but I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in, I REFUSE

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel, the life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts"

Here's to you, who break away from all the things that confine you.
(Dave Grohl, 2005)

Cheers,
-C.

24 April 2017

Perfectly Lonely

When this song came in 2009, I instantly love this song. I felt like John Mayer perfectly captured what I was feeling back then. A little information about me around that time: I was recently single after a year and half (of toxic -but back then I didn't realize it was toxic) relationship.
Wait...
What year was I broke up with what's-his-name? 2008 or 2009? I'm not even sure anymore since it was long time ago.
Anyhoo, during that time (2009) I was single and felt awesome about it. Well, I'm still single now and until recently I still feel super awesome about being alone. Being a sole traveler in life, free to make any decision based on what I like and what I want.

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
And that's all I need
I'm perfectly lonely

What kind of independent woman doesn't like the sound of that lyric, right?
Well, I was wrong. Now I understand it was completely and utterly wrong.
There's no such thing as perfectly lonely. Yeah, for a day, a week or any short period being totally alone is "perfect" or "awesome" but later, it is just alone and being alone it the saddest and blackest feeling I ever feel in my entire life.

Sure, I felt great during 2009 until 2015 because little I know that I was still in my little bubble of comfort. I was still living with my family, I can reach and meet my friends at any time any day. Back then, when I was still like that, of course I was saying "I'm perfectly lonely".

2015 is the year I left all of that. I got a scholarship in Denmark and go here. With naiveté of young adult who never left home, I embark the loneliest journey I ever feel.
The weather is lots colder, the people are strangers, the language is an alien.
Now that I now what being lonely is about.

That "nothing to do" lyric seems like lost its power. Now, after I'm completely here and feel alone, that lyric sounds like frightening reality of what's my life has been lately. Being perfectly lonely is the worst.

Maybe that's why I'm feeling sad now after last night you told me to end (again) whatever the fuck we're doing since one and half year ago. I'm sad, not because you're not choosing to me, not because I love you and you're not loving me back. In fact, I do not love you, I truly do not love you. I just know now that I enjoy being with you because I'm lonely here and being with you makes me forget that I'm lonely. Basically, it's not about you, physically and emotionally. It's about me, emotionally.

There's no tear this time. Not like the last time (which is happened around the same time period last year, funny huh?). When we're started again whichever the fuck we did, last November, I perfectly knew this time the end result is you leaving me again and I'm totally fine and accept that.

However, I'm surprise with this sadness. After I look my friend's instagram picture which captioned "I'm fine with being alone" I realize what this sadness is about. I'm sad because I was lonely before then you came around and I don't feel too lonely but then I'm back being lonely again.

Sure I can turn it around and sing the Perfectly Lonely lyric with its old powerful meaning but I know it will mean nothing because now because I know what it feels to be truly lonely.
Of course I can be like my friend and saying I'm fine with being alone but I know it is utter bullshit. I don't want to lie anymore for the sake of independency or whatever: I hate being alone.

So, to my dear friend R, if you truly feel like you're fine with being alone, kudos to you! I'm glad :) But if not, do not lie in words and talk to someone, or ME (:)) about your loneliness. Then maybe we can turn our loneliness into happiness because there's no greater feeling than you know you're not and never alone in this life.

xoxo,
-C.